Inspired by this Reddit post.
One Reddit's greatest strengths is that by the nature of its massive reach the site presents things that may seem impossible, unimaginable, and horrible as wonderfully Human. Just when you think you are alone in the world, you post your travails, worries, or crushing defeats to Reddit and - BOOM! Instant community. It’s like a cultural version of the Long Tail. Call it the Long Tentacle or something.
You’ll see this reflected in the occasional post like: “Am I the only one who…”. You’ll see comments akin to “...puts hotsauce in their coffee?” “…thinks The Godfather was lame?” or “…flip their eyelids up to scare the dog?” That kind of thing. Almost without fail, you are NOT the only person in the world to be secretly attracted to the red Power Ranger. Join the club, kid! Any club. All the clubs.
I was glancing through the a post titled “What have you have done that you suspect human being has ever done before?" in which this eventual familiarity revealed itself. Because by and large, we are not super-athletes or famous murderers, these "unique" things were not winning the 100m dash in the 2008 Summer Olympics or putting four .38 slugs into John Lennon. Because, while Usain Bolt and Mark David Chapman may hang out on Reddit on occasion, it is very unlikely they’ll be lurking in a thread like this.
Here’s a typical post: “I’m the only person to ever drop a Cabbage Patch Doll from a hot air ballon over Tulsa.” And then the poster would go on to explain how when they were 9-years-old they went on a trip with their parents, took a hot air ballon ride, demanded to take this dolly, cried on the way up, dropped the doll, cried on the way down and so on. Hilariously specific and wildly boring stuff. But, yeah, probably the only person in the world to have ever done that.
As I went through the incredible variety of posts, I noticed a subtle theme - Deer. That is, odd one-off events that involved deer. Seems that a lot of Redditors have had once-in-a-lifetime dealings with our favorite highway obstacle and notorious garden-ruiners. Click for full-size!
TRAILER? I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER!
Inspired by this Reddit post.
Hey everyone! Welcome back to another kick-ass episode of Trailer? I Don’t Even Know Her! Your go-to source for all the most awesome movie trailer reviews, like, ever!
I’m here with my best friend and Chief Bullshit Artist, Mikey Micks, as usual. And who don’t love this stinky fellow right here? Pounder the Wonder Mutt! Maybe he’ll get his fat ass off the sofa this episode, huh? Of course, I’m talking about Mikey. Zing-o! Hheeeyyyy!
Alright, alright. Enough with the namby-pamby nice stuff. Let’s get down to business. Today we have the long-awaited trailer from the visionary boys over at Curmudgeon Films. Now long-time viewers know we don’t throw the word “visionary” around a lot but, well, after the 1-2 punch of Let the Sun(Roof) Shine In and It’s Hard: A Walk On the Wood it’s impossible to not give these guys a bit of a critic's reach-around. I mean, c’mon! These dudes are on a roll and we’re just so damned happy to see their work. As usual, Head Smart Guy Paul Ingram is at the helm and super producer Holly Toff is doing much of the financial heavy lifting. With Brew Force, Lotta Guize, and the badboy of the bunch, Macon Whey, at the height of their careers, it’s hard to not have high hopes for The Spa Extraction. And with the post-rehab Holden Steddi back behind the lens, I mean, we're in for some serious cinematic fireworks! Get your candy corn ready, folks!
Now in a serious aside, we’ve read all the same stuff any true ‘Mudgeonhead has read so, yeah, we were a bit worried about this new trailer. Sure, sure. Things got a little heated on the set of It’s Hard: A Walk On the Wood and there’s no denying that fists flew and blood was shed but, really, is a busted lip all that big of a deal anyhow? She was fine. And we’ve been told that whatever contract negotiations and restraining orders were in play have been smoothed over and all that “fast cars and fast women” stuff is behind them. The boys are now a finely oiled filmmaking team again!
Knowing the personal drama and professional challenges these guys had to heroically overcome only made us that much more giddy about the trailer. So, without further Mountain Dew, I give you:
Hoooo-weee! Was that a piece of work or what? The music noises! The camera stuff! Grim determination! I mean, my gosh. You ever see anything like that, Mickey? Get over to your side of the couch, man. Your excited hot breathing breath is gettin’ on me! I get it, I get it… You’re excited. Hell, I think even Pounder over there wagged his tail a notch. Meh. Maybe he farted.
So right outta the gate, this trailer had me hooked. From press reports I knew that they were messin’ with a big spa but when I saw that thing on the screen, I was like “Holy shit! That’s a big mother!” And only eight guys? That’s a true testament to their love of the craft, my friend. Watch ‘em as they size up their quarry like pros. Serious business, right? Then we cut to the initial lift of the spa. Wow! You can see how good they move that tub ‘o doom straight-away, riskin’ splinters and all. All most made it look too easy. Uh-oh! It WAS too easy. After gettin’ through that tough landscapin’ (watch that spider web!) it looks like our Backyard Gladiators hit a roadblock.
Really, though. At the 27 second mark, man…I got chills! “IN SEARCH OF A PATH” Look at them boys, that spa all upright and precarious, almost mocking them. You can tell how tired they are, barely holding it together. After what looks like some tense strategy talk these warriors decide to take the spa SIDEWAYS through the narrow gap of a walkway. Notice how they didn’t even use the dolly. “Fuck that dolly.” I bet they said through firmly locked jaws. “We can do this ourselves.” And just when you think it can’t get any worse…“MISSING THE SAINTS GAME” screams across the screen. Talk about sacrifice, right? My lord.
With the precarious walkway gauntlet navigated, the spa is easily spun around and hefted onto the low trailer. I don’t know how many times they rehearsed those moves, but wow, like ballet or some other fancy shit. One final close-up of the complicated spa controls and the soak box rolls off into the sunset down a really nice driveway with nary a wave or a honk. A sublime ending to a terrific battle. Nice touch.
Now, as a movie trailer pro-ficiando, couple things I wanna point out. First off, I don’t know what motives we’re talking about or whatnot but, well, showing the spa actually make it onto the trailer is kind of a spoiler for me, y’ know? I would have preferred some tension here. Like, “Did they make it or not?” Maybe a couple close-ups of worry in the eyes, some fear. Ooooh! And maybe a slow-mo of the spa slipping out of a hand? I dunno. Maybe I’m being too artsy but I think leaving a little to the imagination would have been nice.
Lastly, now…You’ll likely call me crazy or something but hear me out. Watch carefully as the hooked-up trailer rolls away, towed by the truck. Notice anything about the spa? Notice how it’s not TIED DOWN TO ANYTHING? This, my friends, is the set-up for the sequel. Something is going to happen to that there spa and those guys are gonna have to man up and save it. The Spa Extraction 2 - A Mile Down the Road. Just a guess, I know. But I was right about that raccoon falling through the sunroof hole in Let the Sun(Roof) Shine In so, yeah. Mark my words.
And as always, Curmudgeon Films demands that we ask ourselves Big Important Questions. In the case of The Spa Extraction, we are asked: "How much pain for the perfect soak?" Cleary, as much pain as it fucking takes.
So there you have it, folks. Me, Mickey, and Pounder will be back next week to chew over the new trailer from some Hollywood douchebag named Malick.
GRADE: A- (for kinda blowin’ the ending)
(Click on image to go somewhere awesome!)